10 Years Ago Today…

Ten years ago today Kody came into the world.  I wasn’t there physically, but I believe God was preparing my heart for the day when we would eventually meet and I would become her mom.  I distinctly remember a conversation with one my best friends where I told her about 10 years ago that one day I would adopt a child.  I can also remember saying that I would love to adopt an older child who would be about the same age as another friend’s son who ironically turned ten a few months ago.  All I can say is, “but God”.  He knew.  I know that He knew because He says is Psalm 139 that He knit me together in my mother’s womb.  As He created me, He put into me the desire to adopt and He had already began to knit my heart together with Kody’s.  I don’t understand it completely, but I believe it.  The Psalm also says that He had written down everyday of my life before one came into being.  He knew.

He knew as Kody came into the world that one day she would be with me and we would be together forever.  There are many days when I wish that I could have been there from the beginning.  That I could have heard her first cry and watched as she grew and developed, but God knew I wouldn’t have been ready ten years ago.  He had to prepare my heart and my mind to be Kody’s mom.  Kody was not born into the best of circumstances.  Her birth family did not love and cherish her the way she should have been.  I can honestly say I don’t understand or know completely why God allowed Kody to experience the horror of her early years, but I can see how He is bringing about beauty from her ashes. Kody is a survivor and God’s timing is perfect.

At just the right moment, He opened the eyes of a judge who inadvertently saw her birth family and heard that there was a three year old in their home.  He wisely knew that the home was probably not a safe place for her.  He had her removed.  At the time, she was three and could barely speak and when she did no one understood her.  Over the next few months she received speech help and corrective surgery for her eyes.  Just about the time they were ready to send her back to her birth family, God opened Kody’s mouth and allowed her to courageously tell about the abuse she had experienced.  She spoke, people understood her, and more importantly they believed her.  About that time, God began speaking to me about becoming a foster parent.  God’s timing was perfect.

Just about the time I completed foster parent training, Kody’s first foster family knew that they could not parent Kody any longer.  Their hearts never knit completely with hers.  They didn’t fit together.  On January 22, 2007 I received a phone call that forever changed my life.  I was asked to be Kody’s foster mom.  I was given 1 hour to decide, but my heart knew immediately.  I will never forget the moment Kody walked into my home looked into my eyes and declared “I am going to live here with you!”.  My heart grew at the moment to immediately accept her as mine.  I don’t know what it is like to have a baby grow inside of you and then see it for the first time.  But, I do know what it feels like to have God grow your heart and to lay my eyes on a child and know instinctively that God meant this from the beginning.

They told me from the start not to expect much of Kody.  She would never attach to me, never count past 10, never say her alphabet, and her behavior would be out of control for years to come.  But my heart knew differently.  See God taught me years ago Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 139.  I knew He had big plans for Kody and I could see His potential for her life.  I knew that He would work miracles in her life. And He has.  See, God has taken her early years and the experiences that she had and created a young lady who has a compassion for others.  Kody knows when people are hurting and she instinctively comforts them.  She knows what it’s like to be hurt and knows what it takes to be healed.  God has used the survivor spirit of her early years to make her a hard worker who is determined to be successful at everything.  Kody doesn’t give up–she’s relentless at every task.  It’s because of this that she is reading and growing by leaps and bounds daily in her school work.  Her teachers comment all the time that they have never seen such a determined, hard working student.  She doesn’t give up.

Kody’s life is a living testimony to Romans 8:28.  God does work together all things for the good.  I do wish that I could have been with Kody from the beginning and protected her, but at the same time I know that there are bigger plans in store from her.  God is daily creating beauty from her ashes. She will touch many because of her past and her future will be one of true beauty that only God could create.  Today I celebrate Kody’s life.  I am thankful that God placed her with me and is allowing me the opportunity to share her present and future.  I love you my beautiful girl.

Obedience

Do you ever have a question roll around in your mind for weeks on end and finally you read Scripture and it all becomes clear? Or is just me? A few weeks ago, one of the ladies in my home group shared that she was working on a paper at school that had to do with obedience.  Do we obey out of fear of getting caught or because it’s morally right? I’ve thought about that off and on for weeks now and how I would answer the question.  Because it’s been both for me. Then this morning I read Galatians 3 and it all became clear.  Verses 23-25 struck me this morning & answered the question for me about why I obey God.

Before I came to know Christ, I obeyed for fear of of getting caught.  I usually walked the straight and narrow because I always knew that I would get caught if I didn’t.  The one time I ever snuck out as a teenager my mom found out within a week. I actually ususally told on myself because I felt guilty. The “Law” brought me to a place of repentance. After choosing to follow Christ my motivation changed.  I obey now out of love.  I love Christ and I want nothing more than to follow Him.  I trust Him with all that I am and because of that I choose to obey Him.  I realized long ago that God was a heck of lot smarter than me and it served me well to trust and obey Him.  It doesn’t always seem easy and sometimes it seems uncomfortable, but it definitely always brings about the blessing.

So, why do you obey? Do you trust Him enough to follow wherever He leads? Do you really think you’re smarter than your Creator? I hope not because I have a feeling you will be sorely disappointed.

Be An Imitator

This morning I read Ephesians 5.  It starts off saying: “Be imitators of God as dearly loved children. Walk in love as Christ loved us and gave Himself as a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God”.  I started thinking about how babies learn to talk.  They try over and over to repeat what their parents say (that’s why you have to be careful about what comes out of your mouth).  As they grow, they watch their parents and do what their parents do.  I see Kody all the time doing things exactly as I do them or choosing things because I like them.  The other day someone said they knew she was mine because she had the same sense of humor as I do.  The point is that they knew she was my child because she acted the way I acted.

So, if I am a child of God how should I act?  How should I love? How should I speak?  Easy, the exact way that Christ does.  When people see me in action or hear my speech it should be evident that I am His.  My life should radiate His glory and His life.  They should never see me, but always see Him. I should love to the point of sacrifice.  He laid down His life for me.  What do I need to lay down for Him?  Sometimes it’s little things.  Two years ago for me it was my absolute love of food.  Not that I never enjoy what I eat now, but then I put my love of food before my love of God.  I thought more about it than I ever did about Him.  Currently it’s my love for tv.  He’s calling me to spend time with Him and in His Word than watching the tv.  He’s asking me to make His priorities my priorities.

I encourage You today to watch Your creator and imitate Him.  Love to the point of sacrifice.  Lay down what is holding you back from giving Him your complete life.  Give Him everything.  Be a fragrant offering to Him.  What could be more beautiful?

What’s Your Goal?

This morning I read Philippians 3:12-20.  Don’t you just love how God speaks such truth to you through His Word.  How it literally penetrates your heart.  Paul told the people in verses 13-14 to forget the chains of their sinful past and instead focus on the goal & the prize to which God has called them–to live with Him forever b/c of the work of Christ on the Cross.  Live like you are different.  Live like you are free.  Live with joy and with hope. Your past has been forgiven and your sins have been washed away.  Don’t fall back into that old life because you are a new creation.  Wow!  Thank you God for the reminder.

Then I read further down–verse 19 describes people who continue in sin.  It says “their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is their shame”.  Oh my goodness that’s where I was.  My god was my stomach.  I lived for my appetite.  I lived to satisfy myself. Thank you God for calling me out of that life and path of destruction.  Thank you for calling me to You.  So, now what’s the goal of my life?  What do I strain toward.  See, I am a goal oriented person and I am always setting new ones–whether in my exercise, work life, or in my quiet times.  I need to have my eyes on a goal.  But, really I should have only one.  It is this: to love God with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind.  The rest will fall into place.  So, today I covenant to keep my eyes firmly fixed on Him and the goal of knowing Him and loving Him with all that I am.  Forgetting what is behind and not letting it bog me down anymore and instead focused on the hope to which He is called me.  To God be the glory, amen.

Accountability

Accountability…sometimes we view that as an ugly word.  Somebody’s about to step all up in your business when they practice accountability.  We say we want it, but not really.  We don’t really want people asking us if we are doing what we are supposed to do–that just feels a little like judgement.  I mean have they even looked at themselves–what about that big old log in their eye.  We don’t want it and yet God commands us to hold each other accountable.  Remember those verses that talk about confessing your sins to one another? Or what about the one where He told us how to approach someone when we see them sinning.  So, to be obedient I have to be held accountable by other believers and I have to do the same for them.  Why do we need this?  Because we are human and if we think no one’s watching us we just live our lives the way we want to and not the way God urges us to. I joined Weight Watchers b/c I knew that unless I went somewhere and had to step on the scale in front of another human then I would never be faithful & obedient to what God commanded me to do.  I asked my dad to join me so that I would have someone who would hold me accountable to showing up to be weighed and pay attention at the meetings. I told the people around me what I was doing so they would ask me about it. I’m human and I need and I crave accountability.

I recently joined a new home group at church and this past Sunday it happened to be a women’s only time.  Our fearless leader asked us to get real with each other & rate where we were in our quiet times.  Come to find out none of us was a 10.  Why? because we needed accountability from someone to keep us obedient to God and studying His Word. So, we made a covenant with each other that we would read through Philippians this week and each of us would have a day to email our reflections on the passages to each other.  We are going to hold each other accountable.  Why? because we knew if we didn’t then we wouldn’t be obedient.  I got really excited about it because this was answer to prayer for me. I’ve worked the past couple of years on my outside and now it is time to focus on what God wants to do on my inside.  “Out of the heart the mouth speaks” and my heart hadn’t been all that great–I’m just keeping it real.  I knew that accountability would lead me closer to getting my heart right. Since Sunday, I’ve thought a lot about a passage God showed me a number of years ago.  It’s Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.  Look it up today and find out why accoutability is so necessary.  So, who have you allowed to be all up in your business?  Be obedient and find someone–you won’t regret it.  I promise.

God is faithful

Today I experienced the faithfulness of God in such a real and powerful way. It was the annual Moore Miles run that Kody’s school does each year to raise money. They ask people to sponsor them as they run laps around the quarter mile track at the school.  I’ve watched Kody do it before and I’ve sat on the sidelines as other parents ran or walked with their kids.  Wishing I could join in with them.  In previous years I sat on the side hot, tired, and out of breath from just walking to her station. Hopeless that I could ever join them. Exactly how I felt a little over 2 years ago on a September day in 2009. Tired, out of breath, hot, and hopeless. Watching from the sidelines as other adults played with Kody, silently crying, and wishing with all that I was that I could join.  What held me back? The fact that I weighed 436lbs and had been this way forever. I couldn’t do it I told myself.  I would have to live like this for the rest of my life–no hope and on the sidelines watching life pass me by.

But, then HE spoke.  You know that voice–the one of your Creator.  The one that causes you to stop, listen, and pay attention. Quietly and firmly He told my heart and my mind that though I couldn’t do it–He could. I can’t, but He can.  All He asked me to do was to trust Him, lean on Him, obey Him. I just had to step out in faith and He would guide my every step. Did I trust Him to do it? Did I believe He was big enough? I had no other reponse but yes.  I can’t, but You can. I choose to follow You.

Over the next two years God took me every step of the way. He prompted my dad to join Weight Watchers with me. He put people in my life to teach me and encourage me.  He filled me with His strength and His power.  He gave me a passion for working out. He introduced me to an amazing trainer, Zumba, and Tae Bo. He gave me new friends who had this same desire. Was it always easy–not really, but it was so worth it. Here I am now 293lbs lighter. Today I got on that track and ran with my daughter.  Filled with His joy because I knew that He was faithful to His promise.  He brought me through and has allowed me to join Kody in living this life He has called us both to live–with joy and hope.

I pray that whatever you struggle with today that you would surrender to God and let Him work.  He’s big enough, strong enough, smart enough, and loving enough to bring you through.  Lean on Him–He’s able.

Why now?

Why did I decide to write this blog? Why now?  Easy–God spoke to me through a sweet lady and told me to share my story. Tonight I went to a celebration of the life of this fellow sister in Christ. I met Debbie through a group at my church called Celebrate Recovery.  I started attending the group in February of this year.  It’s “one of those groups”.  It’s the kind of place we all need to attend.  One of the catch phrases of CR is “hurt, habits, and hangups”.  Do I have any of those? Am I human? I went first to share about this addiction to food God was calling me to overcome, but little by little God has revealed a few other issues He wants to handle also.

I first noticed Debbie through my Facebook page.  She sent me a friend request and I actually thought it was someone else and quickly accepted the request and now I am so glad that I did.  Debbie always posted pictures of cats and about the worship at our church. I also started to notice her during the worship time at CR and at Harpeth on Sunday mornings. I couldn’t help but notice her. Debbie was always the first to stand when the music started. She danced and lifted her hands. She exhibited a freedom in worship that few of us allow ourselves to have. I loved it! A week before Debbie left this earth, I saw her at a Zumbathon at the YMCA. She was of course front and center dancing with all her might. She had on a jingle skirt and feather boa and just had this absolute look of joy radiating from her face. I loved it! I immediately wanted a jingle skirt and boa (hint! hint! to my family). But more than that, I wanted to exhibit that same freedom when she danced. Oh I love to dance and I love to Zumba and at times I can let go, but there are also times when the self consciousness creeps in–not so with Debbie. The next day Debbie sought me out at church. She mentioned seeing me at Zumba, CR, and hearing the testimony I had shared at Harpeth a few months before.  Then she looked me right in the eyes and said, “You need to share your story. People need to know what God is doing in your life and how He has worked this miracle.” I barely knew Debbie and yet her words struck something deep inside of me. Exactly one week later, I saw on Facebook that Debbie had passed away.

This past week I have thought about her last words to me. In my prayer time, God has reminded me that we have a finite amount of time on this earth and a small amount of time to share the hope that He has given each of us and the absolute miracle He has worked in our lives. Debbie has taught me that we don’t wait for people to ask us about the joy that God has given us–we talk about it whether asked to or not. We let it just pour from our lives and our mouths. We live the life of freedom and joy that God has called us to live and we dance like no one is watching–with freedom, joy, and abandon. We praise God every moment that we are given and we tell people about His love. We live a life of boldness and confidence and not one of fear. We share our lives with the world. Why? Because our Father longs for us to be “happy, joyous, and free” (another CR catchphrase).

So, why this blog now? Because God told me to and I want nothing more in this life but to follow His call with total abandon. I also really want a jingle skirt (is anyone hearing this?).